Operation Winning Hearts and Minds by Being Clowns

There is a new, top secret training program going on in Washington DC.  Not many people know about it, but be prepared for the increasing rollout of this program.  They are training our Federal Government Employees to be Clowns.

The Obama administration has ushered in a new era of American influence.  It is no longer important for us to do the right thing or take the hard path or use our position to lead.  What is important is that everyone likes us.  Who is more likeable than a clown?  Even Hugo and Kim Jong Il and imams like clowns.

Before the Clown Operation was fleshed out, Joe got to be Vice President.  Joe is a natural comedian.  He’s always worth watching to see what he’s going to say next.  However, given the damage control they’ve had to do after his ad libs, they may need to find a very large sock.  His brand of humor is not coming off as funny as the administration would like.

Next, Robert Gibbs who was given a “day job” of press secretary to the President.  No one was really fooled.  He is such a jovial guy that it is impossible for him to hide his true background as a clown.  It is obvious with every press conference that he couldn’t be a serious spokesman for Bozo.  He was hired for the domestic market, though, before the potential for an international approach was realized.

The idea to go international came from a trip to China at the beginning of June by our Treasury and Tax Cheat Secretary Tim Geithner.  On June 1, he gave a speech to students at Beijing University.  First, he went on about how the dollar was strong and how we, the United States, are going to be fiscally conservative.  Then he was talking about the trillions that China has invested in the US and said:

“Chinese assets are very safe.”

The crowd laughed—out loud.  Do you realize how hard it is to get a crowd of polite Chinese to laugh at a serious foreign dignitary?  It’s unprecedented.  It’s just not done.  But, hey—you just have to laugh when Timmy speaks, even when he doesn’t say Turbo Tax ten times, quickly.

That is where the idea for Operation Winning Hearts and Minds by Being Clowns was born.  Someone realized that the serious approach—apologizing all over the world—is not nearly as effective as getting them to laugh at us. Everyone likes clowns, so let’s be the clowns of the world!

After Geithner’s astounding success, the secret trainers started on Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve.  True, he plays the domestic audience like Gibbs, but the world listens when he speaks.  Maybe they thought that Ben had an edge because you just have to laugh when you see him so official while he’s printing money like a drunken counterfeiter.

Ben was testifying before the House Financial Services Committee on July 21.  Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson was questioning him about half a trillion dollars given out by the Federal Reserve to foreign countries to loan to their citizens.  Mr. Grayson asked Mr. Bernanke, “The next page . . . shows a 20% increase in the US dollar nominal exchange rate at exactly the same time that you were handing out half a trillion dollars.  Do you think that’s a coincidence?”

Mr. Bernanke, after pausing slightly with his eyes downcast while he put on his straight face, looked up and said, “Yes.”

FYI: an 20%  increase in the US dollar nominal exchange rate means that the value of the dollar dropped 20%.

Mr. Grayson was bowled over by Mr. Bernanke’s answer.  OK, not bowled over—he just laughed a little bit.  But it was like someone said to Bernanke, “There was a 20% decrease worldwide in the price of chicken at exactly the same time that you shipped half a trillion chickens overseas.  Do you think that’s a coincidence?”  and he replied, with a deadpan face, “Yes, that was just a coincidence.”  Bernanke’s delivery was worthy of a first place in American Comedy Idol.

It appears now that there’s someone that’s been applying himself to the clown lessons even more than Ben in the Federal Reserve. Russ Carnahan, a Democratic Representative from Missouri, debuted his routine at a Town Hall Meeting on July 24 about Health Care Reform.

He warmed the audience after a bit into his speech, “The overall cost of the package has been estimated at about a trillion dollars over 10 years.  About half of that comes from savings and efficiencies in the system.”

Mild laughter from the audience.  Efficiencies in government run health care?  Think Vet Hospital or Medicare or Medicaid with “efficiency” in the same sentence.  That’s a funny enough thought that anyone could get a laugh.  The joke writer earned his money on that one.

After more dry stuff, he finally hit the strong punch line, “The Congressional Budget Office most recently came out and analyzed the current plan and said that it was not only deficit neutral . . . but also that over 10 years it would create a six-billion dollar surplus.”

There was raucous laughter and even clapping in the audience.  Mr. Carnahan found it difficult to continue.  He had to keep repeating, “It’s important that we listen,” over the laughter.  He hit one out of the park!

He still has some work to do, though.  He let audience participation get out of hand at the very end of the meeting when one member of the audience asked, “If it’s so good, why doesn’t Congress have to be on it?”  Never let a comedic routine end with a thoughtful question.

Expect Operation Winning Hearts and Minds by Being Clowns to pick up speed now that they have Al Franken in the Senate.  That man can do more in the Senate than just ask Perry Mason questions in Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings—he’s a natural comedy teacher.  After a few more performances stateside by our elected representatives from DC, they can get back to the international crowd.  It will be new to the world but didn’t we always know that we had a bunch of clowns in Washington?

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Published in: on July 27, 2009 at 10:38 am  Leave a Comment  
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