David Letterman Purchases Valuable Historic Document

Mr. David Letterman recently found and purchased a document written in the hand of his great-great-great-great grandfather.  This grandfather was a comedian who did a stand up routine in at a tavern in Washington DC from 1840 until 1870.  It was family tales of this individual passed through the generations that inspired Mr. Letterman in his current occupation.  The document purchased by Mr. Letterman is purportedly a copy of one of the routines performed by this ancestor.  What follows is an exclusive peek at the contents of that document, written in 1846:

“One of the new members of the House of Representatives from the State of Illinois this year is a Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Mr. Lincoln’s distinctive appearance is certain to make him the darling of all of the Washington hostesses in the coming two years, causing great merriment among the cultured of this city. Stories from his life experiences, in light of his backwoods breeding, are more likely to provide insight to muleskinners than the educated citizenry of this fair city. I followed Mr. Lincoln around Washington DC to come up with the top ten highlights of this, his first trip to this fair city. Here are the top ten highlights of his first week in the city:

  1. He visited DC landmarks that he has seen before only in picturebooks.
  2. He found great merriment in all of the crazy-looking hats on the refined gentlemen entering the Capitol.
  3. He split rails for a fence to put up around the White House, commenting, ‘How’d our presidents feel down home without this here kind of fence?’
  4. He fed bad oats to Mr. Stephen Douglas’s carriage horses, causing a great amount of flatulence to be emitted.
  5. He ended up with 50 cents deposited in his beaver hat by a generous passer-by when he paused for a moment in the shade.
  6. He wrestled with a Zouave on the National Mall, winning by virtue of his gorillan arms.
  7. He stood in for an organ grinder visiting from New York on the corner of Virginia and Constitution, after which he stood in for the monkey.
  8. He finally met a Harvard lawyer. Since Abe’s accent was somewhat provincial, the services of an interpreter were required.
  9. He purchased a new hat at the Mackell Berry Haberdashery with a broader hatband in which he could store important notes from Congress meetings.
  10. He enjoyed his opportunity to view this fair city given that surely his constituents will not return him again to this important post.

Particularly distressing is the incident last Wednesday, when he stopped to relate a tale to some passers-by and the fire brigade was called, thinking that the high pitched squealing was an indication of fire.”

Abraham Lincoln is most often cited, along with George Washington, as one of our greatest presidents.  The reality is that he was hardly presidential material to the educated elite of his day, and would be even less fit by the standards set in today’s world.  He was ugly, he had a high voice, and his stories were folksy rather than sophisticated.

Today, I do not think we would be given the opportunity to vote for an individual with similar qualifications for any important office.  Party elites would deem him or her not marketable as a candidate for any high office, much less the presidency.  If he or she did by some miracle (or crossover voting in the primaries or by selection as a running mate) become a candidate, the educated elite and even more elite mainstream media would have a field day with his or her backwardness.  Our current “educated” population of voters would probably share their abhorrence.

We have reached the point where we want a change from the corruption and scandal in the Federal Government, but we continue to want a candidate who looks like all the others and talks like all the others, with perhaps some minor deviation that is politically correct.  We are most concerned with finding someone that looks like he or she fits the role.  It’s ok to have dark skin—that’s politically correct these days—but to actually get out in a boat and pull in fishing nets?  To actually hunt with a gun? Ugh!  Not acceptable.

Most frustrating for me is that we can’t actually have honest discussion about actual philosophies until it’s too late.  The media won’t report anything or twists anything that would shine unfavorable light on “their” candidate or a favorable light on the other candidate.

In this day and age, if a president is going to come in and really change the way politicians handle things in Washington and get us back in sync with our Constitution, he or she is probably not going to be an Ivy League educated, eloquent politician in personally tailored, expensive clothes with a political career established by associations with disreputable people.  More likely, the person who will institute real change for the better in Washington will be some hick parodied by the mainstream media and looked down upon by the educated elite in that nest of corruption that we call our capital city.

It’s too bad for us that we have “progressed” to this level of enlightenment.  I would have liked to have helped to elect an Abe.

Published in: on July 13, 2009 at 3:28 pm  Leave a Comment  
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