All 3s: Don’t Breathe on Fridays

The 1500 page Waxman-Markey bill, or American Clean Air and Security Act passed the House of Representatives yesterday by a vote of 219 to 212.

The Waxman-Markey bill will control emissions of carbon dioxide (CO2).  Even though the terminology of “Global Warming” recently had to be changed to “Climate Change” because it was discovered that it is now clear that the earth is cooling, there are two incontrovertible scientific facts underpinning this legislation: Humans breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide (CO2).  Plants take in CO2 and emit oxygen.  Luckily, these facts were established before scientists changed their mode of operation to that of establishing as scientific fact what has been decided as political policy.

It was fortunate that no one had time to read the entire bill of over 1200 pages in the 24 hours that it was available (or the 300 pages of amendments that were available for about 15 hours before the vote started).  Otherwise, it may have been held up in debate a while longer to discuss the implications of the bill on breathing.

On page 1197 of the bill, it mandates that every man, woman, and child will have a number from 1 to 7 or a U tattooed on their forehead.  The number will correspond to the day of the week, with 1 representing Wednesday, 2 representing Thursday, etc. up to 7 representing Tuesday.  Original plans had 1 representing Sunday, but some legislators were fearful that would lead to a serious Constitutional challenge to the law.  It was feared that the Constitutional right to freedom of religion might be violated by forcing people to conform in their thinking to the Judeo-Christian concept that Sunday is the first day of the week.

Under the bill, every human is banned from breathing out CO2 on the day corresponding to the number tattooed on their forehead.  In other words, if you have a 1, you cannot breathe on Wednesday, a 2 will ban you from breathing on Thursday, etc.  The federal bill, not wanting to overstep its bounds, will leave the details to the states with respect to how the numbers are assigned to each individual.  It is anticipated that some states will allow entire families to not breathe on the same day to promote family harmony, while other states will allow at least one person in each extended family to breathe each day so that someone will be alert enough to call 911 should an emergency arise.

If you have a U tattooed on your forehead, it means that you belong to a union, and you are allowed to breathe every day of the week.  In addition, Union members can rent their right to breathe every day of the week to any single nonunion member without relinquishing their own right to continue breathing.  Since unions are estimated at approximately anywhere from 7% to 12.4% of the population (depending on who you listen to), that means that up to around 25% of the population will never have to not breathe until they die.

All members of Congress as well as their immediate family have a lifelong exemption from being tattooed.

Heavy penalties are imposed for those breathing on their tattooed day.  The White House, who strong armed this bill through the House when it became apparent that Nancy Pelosi would fail to deliver enough votes, was questioned about the promise not to raise taxes on anyone earning less than $250,000 a year, “not even one dime.”  The White House Responded, “It’s not a tax, it’s a penalty.  It will actually result in a tax reduction.  Since the money collected from this source is anticipated to exceed all other current sources of revenue, we will be able to cut taxes.  We will, of course, continue to tax the rich just on the principle. ”

This ban on breathing was a source of dispute in the committee, but scientific experts were called in to soothe fears that humans might suffer damage from not breathing for an entire day each week.  “We got the best scientists we could to dispute the naysayers,” said one committee member, who asked not to be identified. “It was lucky that we had a big enough budget to pay the fees they requested to make that statement.”

On page 32 of the bill, cows are forbidden from passing gas, which has been touted as contributing more to global warming per capita than breathing by humans.  People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has already indicated that they will be filing suit in federal court objecting to this measure because this cow flatulence ban is seen as inhumane.  People for the Ethical Treatment of All Animals Except Humans (PETAAEH) are expected to join PETA in their suit.

Meanwhile, People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants (PETP) is also expected to file suit. “This bill discriminates against plants,” a spokesman for PETP said.  “They need CO2 to ‘breathe’ in or they will die.  This bill will severely limit their supply of CO2.  Plants have rights, too.  It’s time that humans stop their flagrant discrimination against flora in favor of fauna.  We have to share this earth.”  When asked how good their prospects were for a win in this case, the spokesman was optimistic.  “I am confident that we will win.  The very language of the bill is discriminatory.  They refer to animals as ‘breathing out,’ but talk about plants as ‘emitting’ oxygen.  Just because they don’t have lungs or gills doesn’t mean that plants don’t breathe, too.”

The bill goes to the Senate, where a tougher fight is anticipated.  They will have more than 24 hours to read the 1500 pages of regulation in the bill, so it is expected that someone might actually read the legislation and ask some questions.  Additionally, actual figures are a closely guarded secret, but the literacy rate among Senators is estimated to be 50% higher among Senators than among members of the House of Representatives.

Published in: on June 27, 2009 at 8:45 am  Leave a Comment  
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