ATTENTION: Terrorist Lawyer Lives Among Us

******ATTENTION!  WARNING! ************

Please take a close look at the man in the picture in this article: http://blogs.wsj.com/bankruptcy/2009/05/28/auto-taskforce-we-dont-negotiate-with-terrorists/.

This man will soon be adorning the walls at all of your post offices, because he is set to be placed at the top of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Terrorists List.

His name is Tom Lauria, and not only is he a terrorist, he’s a lawyer.  (That should make you despise him even more.)  He represents the pension funds for several right wing extremist groups from Indiana (including the Indiana State Teachers’ Retirement Fund, the Indiana State Pension Trust and the Indiana Major Moves Construction Fund) in the Chrysler bankruptcy case.  The discredited senior bondholders represented by Lauria had the audacity and selfishness to expect that bankruptcy laws, over 200 years of case precedent, and the Constitution should apply to the Chrysler Bankruptcy.

Lauria, obviously as unprincipled as his chosen profession would imply, took the job purely for money.  According to federal election filings Lauria’s $10,000 political contributions in 2008 went to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Comittee.  His political leanings should have precluded him from pursuing a case for these right wing extremist pension funds.

Lauria has been under surveillance by government agents, who were waiting for him to commit an unlawful terrorist act to nab him and charge him.  Unfortunately, although he came to court armed with explosives (like case precedent and the US Constitution), he had thus far failed to detonate them.  An unknown source assures me that government agents were certain that he would strap them to his body and wire them before attempting to enter the Supreme Court later this year, and that he would surely be caught and charged at that point.

We would not have known of Lauria’s status as a terrorist if some emails between two members working on the Obama Chrysler bankruptcy deal had not come out.  Lauria’s status was prematurely exposed in an email from a taskforce attorney named Matthew Feldman.  He sent it to Robert Manzo, who was one of the restructuring experts working for a company involved in “negotiating” the deal.  Mr. Manzo had suggested to Mr. Feldman in a prior email that they should try again to arrange a deal with the lenders who were still saying “NO!” (Lauria’s clients) before Chrysler announced bankruptcy .

This is the email from Feldman to Manzo, sent the day before Chrysler announced bankruptcy:

It’s over. The President doesn’t negotiate second rounds. We’ve given and lent billions of dollars so your team could manage this properly….And now you’re telling me to bend over to a terrorist like Lauria? That’s B.S.

This is a stunning revelation.  If Mr. Feldman had bent over to the “terrorist” Lauria, would the “B.S.” have leaked out of his Depends?

A source in Mr. Feldman’s law firm, who asked not to be identified, revealed that there was some merit to Lauria’s legal arguments.  This source indicated that Mr. Feldman was attempting to serve justice outside of the legal system, though.  Mr. Lauria’s clients’ (right wing extremists, did I mention that?) main objection was that established law placed them first in line to recoup their losses and they got kicked to last place.  Mr. Feldman suggested that they could privately cause justice to be done by kicking Lauria from last place in the Most Wanted Terrorists List to first place.  An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a kick from bottom to top for a kick from top to bottom.

I am so relieved at the release of this email, though, since it shows how tough our President is.  He “doesn’t negotiate second rounds.”  Is someone going to leak that info to Al Jazeera and Kim Jong Il?  This information certainly hasn’t made it into any of his speeches.  Or is his firm position applied only with the citizens of this country—the people whom he was elected to represent?  I am also relieved that “terrorist” is still a valid English word.  I thought it had been banned.

Mr. Lauria could not be reached for comments.  His spokesman said that he was planning a trip to the Bahamas.

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Published in: on June 16, 2009 at 5:10 pm  Leave a Comment  
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